Instead of Nothing I'll Do It All

Late last night, growing tired of being bored, I realized that I was both bored and tired, so I took a moment to consider whether or not this feeling combo was something worth exploring a little.  After prolonged consideration, I determined it was nothing at all.  I then carried on with nothing for a drowsy few-seconds more, till I drifted off to sleep... and finally The Nothing stopped.

Then, I woke up and read Slate.com.

Three hours later (factoring in the unemployment tax of two additional unaccounted-for hours) I stepped predictably out of bed and walked predictably to the bathroom.  Another three hours later, I emerged from the shower as a brand-new-and-very-wrinkly man possessed by a delusional sense of energy and power.  How refreshing!

I had no idea what happened in the shower, but something had happened.  Usually just wrinkles and perhaps a slight heat exhaustion happen.  Inspiration never happens.  What could have caused it?

“Who gives a damn what caused it?  Just enjoy it.” I dismissed the line of questioning.  “Going in that deep is nonsense.  You could just Do Something instead.”

I strode naked from the shower to my window, where I pulled open the blinds, eager to take on the world’s full force.  My nakedness did not matter as much to me as the people below.  I inhaled a deep breath from my preventative inhaler, and soaked up the setting sun. Something will happen today.  Something big.

Now that I had finally possessed the spirit to rid my world of boredom, I’d have to put my pants on and hop to it!  The idea of pulling my pants quickly up both legs with a little hop excited me.  It inspired within me a mental quote which I  jotted down to save for this memoir: “It’s an exciting time to be alive and wearing pants, or at least fully intending to put them on when this busy life permits.”

Then, I put on pants.

With pants on, I felt confident.  What the hell, let’s call it Pride.  Why not?  I beamed with Pride (Pride!) for my newfound delusions.  I smirked, and admired my pants in the mirror.  Nice Pants, I almost thought and winked, before deciding not to.  And that’s for the better.   It seemed boredom had less of a grip on me with these here magic pants on, so I set out into the world as a free agent of change.  Anything was possible.

I pulled up on my bike to the neighborhood coffee shop--a different coffee shop than usual—from where I would launch my new life.  Just needed to single out an idea.  No problem.  The infinitely forking branches of my mind, electricafilized by maniacal ambition, made ideas easy, note taking difficult, and settling on something impossible.

But why bother sticking to anything if a few mili-seconds later you'll have something better?  Ideas for movies, podcasts, mutant action figures, Internet start-ups, self help books, party favors, and pyramid schemes spun off and out of my head.  Effortlessly, each was perfectly attainable, and immediately so.

Instead of Nothing, Do it All.  That’s my new motto.  All I need to make everything happen is as wireless connection and a caffeine fix.

In the first sip of a non-fat coconut latte I accidentally created at least three dozen new religions.  Each one of them the religion of the true and only god.  I knew I would never be bored again.